THE MISADVENTURES OF ME

The End

2011-03-13T13:49:00.002Z

This is the end of this blog.

I just dont have the time or motivation to keep it up anymore.

But, I guess that was obvious.

Since Matty was born, my posts dropped dramatically and now Daisy is here, they're near non-existant.

Thanks to all those who have stopped by now and then.

Feel free to follow my rantings on Twitter; @shinydemon

Quality Film Quote #38

2011-02-09T20:51:00.002Z

"You came at him like a silverback fucking gorilla!"

"The Fighter" Micky Ward, to his father after he'd just unsuccessfully attacked his brother Dicky.

7-2-8-4-7-2-8-4-7-2-8-4

2011-01-17T11:52:00.001Z

That's the rhythm of my life.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T23:57:00.000Z

Phew!

Just made that one!

Hmmm

2010-12-25T23:34:00.003Z

O.K, O.K, I know I've been a very bad blogger of late. I didn't think I could be any more of a relaxed blogger!
But, in defence, I have got a very young baby to help take care of.
And spare time is very limited right now.
O.K, so the spare time I have had I've used to play Call Of Duty; Black Ops!
So, what's been happening?

Nothing!

Don't get me wrong, stuff has obviously happened and some of it would probably have been worthy of a post here. But, I didn't post it at the time and now I've either forgotten about it or it's no longer valid.

So bollocks!

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

2010-12-09T12:15:00.000Z

I was scratching my bollocks and the Missus turned to me and asked;

"Do you wear your pyjamas naked?"

Rest In Peace Great Uncle Les

2010-11-19T21:24:00.002Z

Today I attended the funeral of my Great Uncle Les.
Great Uncle Les was a great man indeed and he will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him.
He served in the British army during WW2 as a driver and a trained sniper.
My favourite memory of him will always be this;

My mum was discussing immigration with Les but, she was getting nowhere. Great Uncle Les was a very old fashioned man and believed anyone not entitled to be here should be deported immediately. My mum pointed out that some of these people were born here and are technically British.
Uncle Les shot down this theory by saying "Rubbish Linda! If a horse was born in a cow shed, you wouldn't call it a cow would you?"

Brilliant.

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

2010-11-17T20:59:00.002Z

The Missus just turned to me and asked;

"What does 'campanology' mean? Is it to do with gays?"

Driving Miss Daisy (Home!)

2010-11-12T16:01:00.000Z

Introducing Daisy

2010-11-11T23:35:00.002Z

Born at 22:49, 11 / 11 / 2010, 6lb 15oz.

Mother and daughter doing great....
.....not sure about me though!

D Is For Daisy

2010-11-11T08:30:00.003Z

It's all go this morning.
We're getting ready to go to the hospital so the missus can have her labour induced.
After reading the information provided, I'm doubtful that Daisy will actually make an appearance today.
Only time will tell.

Never Forget

2010-11-11T08:30:00.000Z

Sent from my iPhone

The Final Countdown

2010-11-04T17:16:00.007Z

We're into our final week as a one child family. Baby Daisy will be with us sooner than seems possible.

Next Thursday, 11/11/2010, at 11:00am the missus will have labour induced. Whether or not Daisy will make an appearance that day is another matter!

It's not been an easy pregnancy for the old girl either. She's had to go on a diet due to Gestational Diabetes. If that wasn't enough, she developed a pregnancy related rash on her face and neck. Add into the mix my stupidity, general ignorance and D.I.Y related rages and you can see the amount of shit she's had to deal with.

It seems like only yesterday that I posted this and now we're in the final countdown.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock........?

Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

2010-10-21T11:34:00.004+01:00

If you look down by your left hip, you'll see a small red button. Press the red button and your seatbelt will dis-engage. Remove your seatbelt.
Now, look to your right. Somewhere on the door is a small lever, pull it. The door moved a little didn't it? Yes, now push the door and it will fully open.
If you look down, you'll see two long bendy things. These are called legs. Swing your legs to your right and out of the door you just opened. Push yourself forward and upwards so that your weight is fully on your legs.
Now, here comes the tricky part.
Swing your left leg forwards.
And now your right leg forwards.
Now your left.
And again with the right.
This is called walking. Continue to walk until you reach the door of the person you are trying to collect.
Make your hand into a fist and knock firmly on the door and await a reply.

With practice, you'll be able to carry out this proceedure in less than a minute.

Im sure you'll agree, this is substantially less time than the 6-7 minutes you spent repeatedly beeping your fucking horn!

Planning To Play Tonight

2010-10-18T19:00:00.001+01:00

Saying Goodbye To Peanut-Face

2010-10-18T09:35:00.003+01:00

We're taking our beloved cat Peanut-Face to be re-homed today.
Unfortunately, I've developed an allergy to cats, despite having them all my life. The constant allergy attacks and blowing my nose has made me develop bleeding nasal polyps. I've had to have several painful cauterization sessions in an attempt to cure them.
She's a really good cat and we'll all miss her terribly. I hope she finds a good family who will show her as much love and get as much pleasure out of her as we have.
See ya Peanie XXX.

The 33

2010-10-14T15:28:00.001+01:00

There's a collapsed mine in Chile big enough to fit 33 people. I suggest these fuckers are sent down and sealed in.

1; Alan Carr
2; Katie Jordan Price Jordan
3; Alex Reid
4; Kerry Katona
5; Ashley Cole
6; Cheryl Cole
7; Boris Johnson
8; David Cameron
9: The 'Go Compare' Singer
10; Neil Hamilton
11; Christine Hamilton
12; Gary Glitter
13; Tara Palmer Tomkinson
14; Piers Morgan
15; Hugh Grant
16; Lindsay Lohan
17; Jeremy Kyle
18; Lady Ga Ga
19; Bono
20; Paris Hilton
21; Robbie Williams
22; Heather Mills
23; Davina McCall
24; Robert Mugabe
25; Barry Scott (Bang & the cunt is gone)
26; Kim Jong Il
27; Fabio Capello
28; George W Bush
29; Michael Winner
30; Gordon Brown
31; Madonna
32; David Gest
33; George Michael

I was so surprised how easy this list was to make, I even made a standby list incase any of the cunts above die.

34; Steve McClaren
35; Julia Roberts
36; Mark Lawrenson
37; Pete Doherty
38; Adrian Chiles
39; Britney Spears
40; The Go Compare Advert Creator

Feel free to add your own, I'm not too fussed how cramped it gets down there!

Tonight's Dinner

2010-10-04T14:00:00.000+01:00

All Hail, The Return Of;

2010-10-03T12:01:00.001+01:00

Just Pre-Ordered

2010-10-02T14:05:00.001+01:00

Eagerly Awaiting

2010-09-25T23:05:00.000+01:00

Based on The Walking Dead graphic novels.

That'll Teach You!

2010-09-10T23:35:00.004+01:00

Now look here you stupid fucking coat! I don't care how much I paid for you!
When I come home from work, tired and irritated by countless northerners who think they know better than me, I just want to hang you up and sit down.
Yes, I know there's a perfectly good coat rack in the hallway but, A; I'm too lazy to go there and B; It annoys the missus when I hang you elsewhere.
So, all things considered, when I hang you on the back of a dining chair I expect you to fucking stay there! When you fall limply to the side and on to the floor, I take it as an insult.
Not content with insulting me once, you wait for me to bend down, pick you up and re-hang you on the chair, only to fall off again.
Well, that's it, bollocks to you!
You can lay in the corner of the room, where I kicked you.
All night.
Bastard.

Too Bad, So Sad, Bye Bye!

2010-09-10T23:22:00.003+01:00

Big Brother has ended....... forever!
I cant tell you how happy this makes me! I doubt I've watched more than half an hour of this show since it started. It's shit. And full of fucktards. And watched by cunts.
But, I'm a reasonable man and, as such, I'd like to suggest a few other programmes for stupid people to watch.
I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (and away from Ant or Dec from Ant and Dec.)
Strictly Cum Dancing.
Stricly Cum Dancing On Ice.
The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent (after the auditions of course! Some of those fuckwits really think they have talent!)
So there you go. If you're a cunt and you enjoy watching cunty programmes, go right ahead.

Stupid Farm Rules!

2010-09-03T11:07:00.001+01:00

Heh, heh, just you try and stop me!

Typical Workplace Conversation

2010-08-30T21:06:00.005+01:00

No, I will not be taking your ranky stinky money!

"Hello, can I buy an Oyster card please?"
"Sure, that'll be £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put a tenner on?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 then please."
The customer takes a step back, lifts up his right leg, takes off his shoe, stretches his sock to one side and pulls out a £20 note. He slides it into the cash tray.
"Are you serious? I'm not taking that mate."
"What?"
"That money's just come out of your sock, I'm not accepting it."
"Why? It's still money."
"Yeah, but, it's come out of your ranky stinky sock, it's un-hygenic. I'm not taking it. You need to pay with an alternative method."
"It's legal tender, you have to accept it!"
"I'll accept it on one condition."
"What?"
"I'll put your legal tender change into my pants and you come and collect it in 2 hours."
The bloke mutters something to himself, then borrows £20 from his girlfriend and pays.
"You're not allowed to refuse money, I'm going to report you."
"I've got a customer service card in my sock if you want it."
Again, he mutters something to himself, then walks away.

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

2010-08-22T22:24:00.002+01:00

I get in from work and the Missus is ironing in the kitchen.

"Fuckin 'ell love, it's roasting in here. Why don't you iron in the living room?"
"I've nearly finished now. I had the window open earlier, but I closed it 'cos it was too see-through."
"Erm, yes. That can be a problem with windows can't it?!"

Typical Workplace Conversation

2010-08-18T23:29:00.003+01:00

When is a bike not a bike?
When you take the wheels off according to this fella.

"Can you open the gate so I can get my bike through?"
"No, sorry mate. Bikes aren't allowed on the system between 4:00pm and 7:00pm."
"Why not?" (GRRRRRRR!!)
"Because it's peak period mate. Trains and platforms are crowded, your bike would cause an obstruction."
"Oh it's alright, I'll wait for a quiet train."
"It's 5:30pm mate, there are no quiet trains. That's why we don't allow bikes in during peak periods."
"What if I take the wheels off?"
"Then you'll still have a bike, only it won't have any wheels on. It'll be less manouverable and you'll have more to carry, causing much more of an obstruction."
"You're just being fucking awkward! How the fuck am I supposed to get to Liverpool Street then?!"
"Do you seriously want me to answer that?"

My New BBQ

2010-08-09T09:31:00.001+01:00

It's pretty big!

Sent from my iPhone

The Lying Bastard!

2010-07-25T23:25:00.000+01:00

On one of my first ever driving lessons, I hit the brakes to try and avoid running over some pigeons.
Needless to say, pigeons do not require the emergency stop procedure and my driving instructor told me so.
"You will never, ever be able to run over a pigeon." He said. "They're too quick." He added.

Well, tonight, I proved him wrong!

I went to pick up some stuff from my mum's flat in preparation for her move. After turning around, I was driving through the high street when I noticed a pigeon in my path.

Remembering my instructors advice, I drove straight on.

Unfortunately, no-one informed the pigeon of the "You'll never, ever be able to run over a pigeon" line.

There was a sickening, crunchy, squelchy, popping sound from the front left of the car.
And what can only be described as a "splodge" in the road when seen from my rear view mirror.

I'm all for learning something new every day, but this.........

More Shit Music

2010-07-18T21:11:00.000+01:00

Train: Hey, Soul Sister.

"Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind....."

WHAT??
Your left side brains?
You've got multiple brains?
And they're separated into 'left' and 'right' sections?

You're a fucking idiot.

For The Man Who Has Everything!

2010-07-04T09:16:00.001+01:00

My Daughter!

2010-07-02T18:41:00.002+01:00

Big Mistake

2010-06-28T21:10:00.002+01:00

O.K. It's hot at the moment.
I'm laying in bed watching the football with the fan on full blast at the base of the bed.
The missus is on a night shift, so with no fear of being shouted at, I let out a rip roaring fart of epic proportions.
I mentioned that the fan was on at the base of the bed right?
Well, I just got a face full of my own foul smelling arse.
Nice. No wonder the missus shouts at me!

England

2010-06-28T14:25:00.002+01:00

Well, that was an anti-climax wasn't it?!
Actually, that's not exactly true is it?
England were piss poor from the off, at no point did I think we had any chance against the Germans yesterday let alone winning the whole thing.
So who or what can we blame this time?

Fabio Capello?
The playing squad?
The football? (hard to play the long ball game with a ball that won't go in a straight line!)
Vuvuzela?
The altitude?

They may very well have all played their part, but none of them are the main reason for England's failings. And not just for this tournament. No, this has been going on for years.
For me, the blame lies firmly with the F.A.

For years club managers and players have been complaining about the amount of fixtures and the lack of a winter break. These complaints have not only fallen on deaf ears, the F.A have actually suggested playing an extra game every year abroad.
A top premier league side will play a fair amount more games than their European counterparts. Then you have to factor in international matches, European competitions and 5 hours training every day. I don't care who you are or how much you earn, you're gonna be fatigued at the end of the season.
The England players looked completely drained of both energy and ideas throughout their all too brief South African adventure.

Then there's the manager. I don't think Capello should have ever been made England manager. Another mistake by the F.A. In fact, the last few England managers have all been poor choices. What we've needed for ages is someone who isn't scared to drop the 'un-droppables'. Far too many of England's starting line-up were only there because of their name. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Barry, Johnson, none of them have performed well in an England shirt in ages. Then there's the rest of the squad; Heskey, Carragher, Wright-Phillips, Green, to name a few. Just not good enough.
Capello may be a good disciplinary coach, but his poor grasp of English (Matty speaks better English than him!) and his insistance on playing Gerrard, Lampard and Barry together just goes to show he's not right for England.

Now there's the issue of Capello's contract. Why was it renewed/improved before the World Cup? Now he's earning £6 million a year, the highest amount any national coach is being paid. If the F.A do want to get rid of him, he'll get one hell of a golden handshake. Surely it would have been wiser to negotiate after the tournament, they could've negotiated downwards!

I genuinely have no idea where the England team will go from here. The so called 'Golden Generation' are well past their prime. More worrying is that the next generation are struggling to prove themselves too. I'm afraid that things are certain to get worse before they get better.

Your Name Is What Now?!

2010-06-25T20:14:00.002+01:00

Recently Completed, Currently Playing

2010-06-14T22:47:00.003+01:00

Ahh man, I found the last battle proper hard!

Might just pop a cap in yo ass in this one!

Attention!

2010-06-13T19:42:00.006+01:00

Despite what you may think, this is not the English flag!

This is the English flag!
It is instantly recognisable and therefore does not require four (surely there should only be three?) lions or the word 'England' emblazoned across it!

Big Brother Is Back

2010-06-10T05:09:00.002+01:00

It's the final series and my feelings are as strong as ever.
If you watch it, then you're a fucking idiot.

The End Is In Sight

2010-05-31T08:36:00.002+01:00

I'm coming to the end of a run of late shifts.
They've been very testing this week and I've nearly lost my rag with dozens of customers. Thankfully, I've managed to bite my tongue and not react to their stupid actions, questions or comments.
I don't think working right through my weekend off last week has helped. Still, at least the fence is up now. Just need to put a gate on it.

Seperated At Birth?

2010-05-31T08:26:00.004+01:00

Liev Schreiber; famous for being a Hollywood film star.

Warren Joffre Williams; famous for, erm................. wearing Speedos?

T-Shirt Sun Tan!

2010-05-21T20:24:00.000+01:00

Finally, An Update!

2010-05-17T11:23:00.004+01:00

Thought I'd better get my arse into gear and give you'se lot an update.
I've just returned to work after 2 weeks of annual leave.

We went to CenterParcs for the first week. Matty is a bit too young to enjoy it fully. Still, he managed to occupy himself by chasing ducks
with his arms wide open and shouting "Oi, duck, cuddle!" He did enjoy the swimming pool area, although getting him dressed afterwards was a fucking nightmare! The weather held up okay, all be it a little chilly in the evenings. I managed to use my bike on most days, which I really enjoyed. I'd wait for Matty to have his afternoon nap, then go for a ride, usually stopping for a pint at some point.

The second week of leave involved back breaking labour. I had to rip
out a huge flower bed. And I mean huge. 10 metres long, 2 metres wide and 1 metre deep. That's a lot of earth and soil to move! Not to mention the wooden frame, plant life and roots that had to be torn out. After the first day I was in agony, I'd obviously tweeked a nerve in my right arm. But, like the brave warrior I am, I continued to dig, rake, pull, push, lever and carry for 4 days and it's mostly done now.
The next stage will be putting up a fence, followed by some decking. I might put some pictures up here if I can be arsed.

I understand that congratulations are due to the England cricket team for winning the World Cup 20/20. I fucking hate cricket, so bollocks to that.

I understand that congratulations are due to Chelsea for winning the double. I fucking hate Chelsea, so bollocks to that.

I understand that congratulations are due to the Tories who, thanks to a hell of a lot of stupid people, won the General Election. I fucking hate the Tories so bollocks to that.

That'll do for now, see ya!

What A Dick!

2010-05-16T19:57:00.001+01:00

Currently Reading

2010-05-15T12:47:00.001+01:00

12 Week Baby Scan

2010-05-11T11:28:00.002+01:00

We had or 12 week baby scan today.
We have a 'birth date' of 18th November.

Dramatic Chipmunk

2010-05-01T19:09:00.000+01:00

Currently Playing

2010-04-30T19:41:00.000+01:00

Dairylea Is For Little Girls

2010-04-27T19:06:00.001+01:00

Happy St. George's Day

2010-04-23T16:09:00.002+01:00

And bloody proud of it!

Quality Film Quote #37

2010-04-18T20:34:00.003+01:00

"They call me Mister Tibbs!"

Too classy to put here in words alone.

Morning Sickness

2010-04-08T22:07:00.004+01:00

I've absolutely no fucking idea why it's called "Morning Sickness".
So far as I can tell it last's all day and night.
I feel desperately sorry for the missus. Although she's not actually being sick, the permanent nausea is getting her down.
I love you babe, this'll be the last time, I promise!

R.I.P Tommy

2010-04-08T21:56:00.003+01:00

I was saddened to hear that my good mate Tommy Ludford had passed away this weekend.
I've no idea how many times we shared a beer (or eight) and/or a chat together (far too many to count), all I can say is that he will be badly missed by a hell of a lot of people.
I feel especially sorry for his daughter Tasha, who found him.
I know exactly what she's going through as I found my uncle's body.
I still have bad dreams to this day.

Oh, What's Occurring? (Welsh Accent)

2010-04-08T20:48:00.005+01:00

Usual shit really.
Work, eat, sleep, play with Matt, etc.

We saw the midwife this week. Unfortunately it's the same one as last year and, my god, she's ugly!
She looks like a man in drag!
A very ugly man in drag!

Anyway, that aside, things seem to be progressing well with the pregnancy so far.
We've got an estimated birth date of 12th November, which is also my niece's birthday!

Matt continues to develop rapidly himself.
Every day is a new experience with him and he has us in fits of laughter.
He's started to string words together too, a few examples;
"Where bottle is?"
"Where's gone now?" (Usually when I go for a shit)
"Come on daddy/mummy"
"Hi Matty!" (When looking in the mirror)

Work is work.
It always has been work.
It always will be work.

I got around to buying a pipe.
The missus called me an idiot.
She's probably right!

Leg Jigglers #7

2010-04-08T20:46:00.000+01:00

Location; Train
Source; iPhone
Action; Full on leg jiggle!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

2010-03-27T23:24:00.004Z

This one came from my mum tonight. She was in the back of our car, telling us what she'd brought back from her trip to france.

"I've brought a sausage back."
"What, just one sausage?"
"Yeah, a garlic sausage."
"Just the one?"
"Well, half a whole one."
"What do you mean 'Half a whole one'? Either it's a half or it's a whole one mum."
"It's half a garlic sausage, you know, the big ones."
"Oh, I've got you now."
"Yeah, I've brought two of them back."
"What? Wait, hang on a minute. Are you telling me you've brought two half garlic sausages back, or two whole sausages back?"
"Two, half sausages."
"Then you've brought a whole one back. Fuckin hell mum, you're hard work!"

Here We Go Again!

2010-03-14T16:13:00.002Z

The missus is up the duff again!
Yay me and my super sperm.

Typical Workplace Conversation

2010-03-11T20:07:00.003Z

Sometimes my participation isn't the mad part of the customer interaction

"Morning."
"Hello, my mum's here for the next few days and I want to get her a Pay-As-You-Go Oyster card."
"Sure, no problem. It's £3 deposit for the card, plus the amount you want to add on."
"Can I put £10 on please?"
"Yep, that'll be £13 in total then please."

The customer pays and we say thanks to each other.
Before leaving, the woman turns to her mum, smiles, hands her the Oyster card and says;

"Here, Happy Mother's Day you old cow!"

The timing was perfect and I nearly fell of my chair laughing.

Pipe

2010-03-08T11:28:00.001Z

I'm thinking of investing in a pipe.
I don't smoke and I'm not going start, but I believe that owning a pipe will make me smarter.

Currently Listening To

2010-02-26T21:22:00.001Z

Finally Got Around To Ordering

2010-02-26T21:18:00.003Z

Currently Reading

2010-02-18T07:33:00.001Z

I'm up to chapter 5 so far and it's so boring!

I'll give it until chapter 10 to improve, then it's going out the train window!

Did He Think I'd Let It Go?

2010-02-16T20:54:00.004Z

Yesterday I was walking along the road and talking to the missus on the phone. As I was talking a rather fat bloke (yes, fatter than me!) stepped in front of me, put his hand up and started to talk to me.

"Excuse me."
I indicated that I was on the phone but he persisted.
"Excuse me."
"Sorry, I'm on the phone mate."
I walk past him. He waits till he thinks I'm out of ear shot.
"Yeah, you carry on fucking talking!"
I tell the missus to hang on and turn around. He has his back to me now, walking away.
"Oi!"
He turns to face me.
"What's your fucking problem? I'm on the phone you arrogant dick!"
He opens his mouth and is about to say something.
"Bollocks! Fuck off you cunt!"
Just to hammer home my annoyance, I throw in some rude hand gestures.
He stands there, mouth open.
I turn and go back to my phone conversation.

Typical Workplace Conversation

2010-02-14T22:47:00.003Z

Sometimes you can only put up with so much abuse before putting the customer in their place.

"For fuck's sake! There's no fucking trains?! Why's there no fucking trains?!"
"Sorry mate, planned engineering."
"Well why's there no fucking signs at the other station?! No one fucking told me!"
"Now look. There are posters about our works, for weeks in advance, on every Underground station. We make P/A announcements on every Underground station leading up to the works. We take out a whole page of the Metro newspaper the friday before the works start. The works are freely available on the internet and you can even set up text and e-mail alerts of our planned works. What more do you want us to do? Phone you every morning?"

The customer walks away and shakes his head.

Ahhh, Man, Gets Me Every Time!

2010-02-13T11:15:00.000Z

Currently Reading

2010-02-11T23:33:00.002Z

Currently Viewing

2010-02-05T08:47:00.001Z

My kind of humour.
Courtesy of WJW.

2010-02-05T08:21:00.004Z

So, what have I been up to then?
Well, not a lot really.
I've just finished a run of early shifts.
On Thursday and Friday last week, I had to do my Annual Test of Rules at Oxford Circus House.
BORING!
I don't know why we still do it, there's not even an actual test anymore. We just sit around discussing scenarios and writing on flip charts. Pointless.

I had the day off on Tuesday for Nan's funeral.
The service was very sad and I don't mind admitting that I was a bit un-manly.
The wake was perfect. Remembering old times with cousins and other relatives.
They say you only see these relatives at weddings and funerals, but we're determined that this will not be the case. In fact, we've got 7 or 8 of them coming up on Sunday to help celebrate Dad's 60th birthday.
I'd like to say once more how grateful I was for all you messages of support over the last couple of weeks. Whether they were face to face, on the phone, text, e-mail, Twitter, facebook or here, they really were appreciated. So thank you.

My sinusitis is at last starting to clear up, should be as good as new by next week, hopefully!

I'm on a long weekend now and I intend to do nothing but spend time with my family. Especially Matt as I'm on late shifts next week and won't see him much.

Thick Brown Nasty Mucus And Snot

2010-01-27T13:46:00.003Z

On Sunday last week I caught a cold.
It wasn't a nasty cold, just a plain old cold.
I was feeling better by Friday night, then the trouble started.
I woke up on Saturday morning and couldn't breathe through my nose and my whole face ached.
It was difficult to blow my nose and the snot I produced was very thick and almost brown in colour. (I hope you've already eaten!)
I was also coughing up thick mucus too.
At first I thought my cold had flared back up, but I had none of the other symptoms.
A quick check on NHS Direct suggests I have sinusitis, which can take up to a month to clear.
I seriously hope it doesn't last that long in my case.

Rest In Peace Nanna

2010-01-16T19:31:00.003Z

My Nan passed away this morning.
She'd been ill for sometime and was being kept comfortable with morphine towards the end.
I'm glad her suffering is at an end, but I will miss her terribly.
She used to make the most amazing walnut cake. Even I (and I don't eat sweet foods) couldn't get enough of it.
Such a beautiful, sweet lady who will be missed forever.
Goodbye Nan,

Your Bonnie-Lad,

James.

Currently Playing

2010-01-14T21:52:00.001Z

Today's Shopping List; New Pants.

2010-01-14T15:37:00.000Z

Currently Reading

2010-01-13T04:56:00.001Z

"Tactical thermonuclear weaponry is a guy's best friend!"

Recently Read

2010-01-05T08:52:00.000Z

Now You See It, Now You Don't

2010-01-05T00:22:00.002Z

At some point this week, Argos will get off their arse and deliver our new T.V.
We'll be mounting the new one on the wall to avoid any more toddler related accidents!
I've removed our funky, faceless clock in preperation.
Where we'll put it now is a mystery to me.

Is This Shit Still Going?

2010-01-04T00:35:00.001Z

Big Brother is back on the telly.
Apparently, they are celebrities this time.
They are NOT celebrities.
They are cunts.
And so is everyone who watches them.
Fact.

Dear London Underground Customer

2010-01-03T11:24:00.001Z

I'm on holiday this week, so sort your own Oyster card out!

Hurrah! Progress!

2009-12-30T10:22:00.002Z

We finally heard from our insurance company today.
They're going to replace our telly with an equivalent.
This one to be precise.
Fuck knows when it'll be delivered.

It's Over

2009-12-29T12:18:00.005Z

Christmas that is.

I finished work at around 2pm on Christmas eve. I popped over to my mates house to exchange presents. And drink beer, obviously.

I made sure I arrived home by 7pm so I could see Matt before he went to bed. Matt had been suffering from a nasty cold, but he seemed to be perking up at the right time.

At 5:30 on Christmas morning, the missus tried to be clever. She went and got Matt and put him bed with us, thinking we'd all wake up together later in the morning. A nice idea, but she didn't take into account that moving him would wake him up. And he stayed up! So, up got the missus and Matt, while I stayed in bed till 7:30. Nice!

We opened our presents together, my pile seems to be getting smaller every year.

Matt wasn't really interested. Once he'd opened his first present he sat there ans played with that. The missus and myself opened the rest, saying things like; "Wow! Look at this Matthew!" But he continued to ignore us and play with his new cars instead!

We got dressed and headed over to my mum's for breakfast. Bacon sandwiches all round! I don't mean that the sandwiches were round, I mean everyone had one.

We dropped mum at her friends house and came home.

The missus had said she was doing christmas dinner for once, so I put Matt down for his nap and chilled until my brother, his missus and my dad turned up. We were supposed to be joined by my mother and father-in-law. Unfortunately my father-in-law was unwell and they didn't make it.

The food and drink flowed into the evning and our guests departed around 7:30 pm. The rest of the night was spent chilling in front of the T.V.

On Boxing day, we headed to London to see the in-laws who'd not made it for dinner. Again, more drink and food flowed.

The missus was at work all day on Sunday so it was just me and Matt. I've never had such a good day with him! He was in top form the whole day. I didn't want to put him to bed!

We relaxed all day Monday. We dropped Matt at my mum's around 5:30pm and came home. The missus caught up with some work and ran around getting shot on Call of Duty 2.

I was back at work yesterday for the first of 5 late shifts. I've got a weeks annual leave (Again? I know!) from Sunday.

So, like I said; Christmas = OFFICIALLY OVER!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2009-12-25T08:46:00.000Z

The Snowman What I Made

2009-12-18T16:13:00.001Z

Protect Your PC From Viruses

2009-12-10T13:19:00.000Z

Infected

2009-12-10T13:18:00.003Z

I've caught a cold off of Matt.
It's not swine flu, bird flu or the female invented "man flu", it's a cold.
I'm not surprised I've caught a cold, I've been feeling run down for months. Tiredness and fatigue have been a real issue.
As a result, I've decided to take some sick leave. Before today, I've not been off sick for around 14 months, not a bad record that.
I'm gonna do what I do best when I'm ill, play the PS3 and eat junk food!

This Week Needs Smacking Like A Bad, Bad Donkey.

2009-12-02T20:51:00.002Z

Where shall I begin?
Well, lets start from last Thursday, as it was possibly the worst day
of my life.
On Thursday morning I went to work. To say I was running around like a
blue arsed fly is an under-statement. Even though I was only on a
poncy spare duty, I was late getting out of work. Then, when I got to
the train station, I found out that the 13:13 was cancelled. That
would have got me to my home station in 30 minutes, instead I had to
catch the 13:34, which takes 50 minutes. So I got home 40 minutes late.
As if that wasn't enough, I later found out that my Great Aunty Lena
had passed away.
Still, that wasn't enough! I phoned the missus only to find out that
she was in the A&E department of her hospital. One of her dickhead
colleagues put a syringe in the "sharp bin" upside down. The misses
pricked her finger with it and needed all sorts of precautionary jabs.
On Friday, I took my mum and brother to see Great Uncle Les. He looked
terrible. He's in his late 80's and slowly being consumed by
asbestosis of the lungs. He's lost his best friend and wife and we
fear for his future.
Saturday passed without incident.
Sunday; Arsenal, Chelsea, nil, three, shit.
Monday saw my father-in-law being taken to hospital. It seems that
some of the heart medication he's on is affecting his stomach ulcer
quite badly.
Tuesday passed without incident.
Wednesday; Matt broke my T.V today! In a bizarre mop/toy incident he's
managed to crack the screen. Waiting to hear if our insurance will
cover it.
A real fucker of a week, I'm sure you'll agree.
Tomorrow is Great Aunty Lena's funeral.
Fingers crossed that everything goes uphill after that.

Sent from my iPhone

Rest In Peace Aunty Lena

2009-11-26T18:17:00.005Z

I just found out that my Great Aunty Lena passed away this morning.

This photo was taken in April of this year when I took my mum and Matt to visit her and Great Uncle Les. My mum was practically raised by them so this is a great loss to our family.

When my brother and me were kids, she used to send us out to the garden to look for a four leaf clover for her. We never found one.

Rest in peace Aunty Lena, I hope you find your four leaf clover.

Are You Sure You Want To Log Off?

2009-11-16T07:04:00.001Z

Yes, that's why I clicked the 8mm x 3mm "log off" icon.

Does This Really Count As An Update?

2009-11-16T06:36:00.002Z

As I have absolutely nothing to report.
Unless you count; work, home, sleep.
Obviously, I try to eat during the mundane trinity that has become my life.

Currently Playing

2009-11-13T12:14:00.001Z

Everybody is banging on about this game.

To be honest, I don't see a huge difference to the last game, I run around not knowing what to do and get shot/blown up alot.

Up Your Viva!

2009-11-03T11:25:00.001Z

I hate this fucking advert!

But, for some reason, I love this version!

That Really Fucking Hurt!!

2009-10-31T20:34:00.001Z

This evening, as I was cashing up, I had an accident.
I bundled all my bank notes together and was about to bind them
together with an elastic band. I wound the band around once and as I
pulled it to wrap it around again, it snapped and flew into my left
eye. And when I say eye, I mean I felt it ping against my eyeball. It
stung like a motherfucker, I can tell you!
I don't remember my exact words, but 'fuck', 'fucking', 'shit',
'bollocks' and 'cunt' were all mentioned at some point.
Has anyone got the number for Injury Lawyers For You?

Sent from my iPhone

Quality Film Quote #36

2009-10-29T11:01:00.003Z

Tyler Durden: [pointing at an emergency instruction manual on a plane] You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?
Narrator: So you can breath.
Tyler Durden: Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
Narrator: That's, um... That's an interesting theory.

Leg Jigglers #6

2009-10-17T06:40:00.001+01:00

Location; Car
Source; Radio
Action; Steering wheel drumming.

I have to admit, I wasn't too sure about this song when it was first released. But, it's grown on me. Yay Foo Fighters!

Typical Workplace Conversation

2009-10-16T04:48:00.003+01:00

Recently, the Students returned to University.
For some of them, the future's not so bright.

"Hello, can I have an application form for a Student Oyster card please?"
"No, sorry. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Can't I get a form from you?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Why? Have you run out of forms?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Can I get a form from another station?"
"No. You have to apply for a Student Oyster card on the Transport For London website."
"Is there a Student Oyster card application form at all?"
For fuck's sake!
"Yes."
"Where is it?"
"On the Transport For London website."
"You're not very helpful you know!"

And with that, he storms off to research why Darwin's Theory Of Evolution doesn't apply to himself.

Students, click here!

She's Mad I Tells Ya

2009-10-04T11:23:00.002+01:00

It seems that my mum is not immune to asking stupid questions either.
I popped into town with Matty this morning and decided to ask her to come out for a coffee. I buzzed her intercom and the following conversation took place.

"Hello"
"Hey mum, it's James. What you doing?"
"Nothing, why?"
"Do you fancy going for a coffee?"
"Yeah, o.k. love. Where are you? Downstairs?"
"Well, if I'm talking to you on the intercom dickhead, I must be mustn't I?!"
"Erm, yeah. I'll come down."

Needless to say, I got a slap for calling her a dickhead!

2 Weeks Annual Leave

2009-10-02T15:06:00.006+01:00

Last week we were on holiday near Clacton-On-Sea. I was pleased to find that we were about half an hour away. We stopped there for lunch before checking in and it was a cross between god's waiting room and chav city.
The weather was fantastic. It was slightly overcast on Thursday but it remained t-shirt weather.
We took Matty swimming in the mornings, which he loved. He also enjoyed the kids club.
We made a trip to Walton-On-The-Naze and had lunch in a traditional Pie and Mash shop. I wasn't suprised to see Matty enjoying it, after all, I grew up on the stuff. Like father, like son and all that.
All in all, it was a really nice short break.

This week I've been relaxing and enjoying the company of The Missus and Matty.
Matty's really developing quickly these days. He points at what he wants now, which has reduced the amount of guess work. He's also started trying to talk but it's all jibberish, a bit like this bloke!
It was also my 32nd birthday last weekend. On Saturday I went for a meal with family but it was difficult to enjoy as I'd had a terminal headache since 6am that morning. On Sunday I went on the piss with my dad.
The only negative point was that I had to do an early shift at work on Thursday, as I owed them a day's leave.

Back to work on Tuesday. Late shifts. Yay.

Currently Viewing

2009-10-02T15:01:00.002+01:00

THE MISADVENTURES OF ME

The End

Quality Film Quote #38

7-2-8-4-7-2-8-4-7-2-8-4

Merry Christmas!

Hmmm

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

Rest In Peace Great Uncle Les

She's Mad I Tells Ya!

Driving Miss Daisy (Home!)

Introducing Daisy

D Is For Daisy

Never Forget

The Final Countdown

Oi! Fuckwit! Try This!

Planning To Play Tonight

Saying Goodbye To Peanut-Face

The 33

Tonight's Dinner

All Hail, The Return Of;

Just Pre-Ordered

Eagerly Awaiting

That'll Teach You!

Too Bad, So Sad, Bye Bye!

Stupid Farm Rules!

Typical Workplace Conversation

She's Mad I Tell Ya!

Typical Workplace Conversation

My New BBQ

The Lying Bastard!

More Shit Music

For The Man Who Has Everything!

My Daughter!

Big Mistake

England

Your Name Is What Now?!

Recently Completed, Currently Playing

Attention!

Big Brother Is Back

The End Is In Sight

Seperated At Birth?

T-Shirt Sun Tan!

Finally, An Update!

What A Dick!

Currently Reading

12 Week Baby Scan

Dramatic Chipmunk

Currently Playing

Dairylea Is For Little Girls

Happy St. George's Day

Quality Film Quote #37

Morning Sickness

R.I.P Tommy

Oh, What's Occurring? (Welsh Accent)

Leg Jigglers #7

She's Mad I Tells Ya

Recently Viewed

Here We Go Again!

Typical Workplace Conversation

Pipe

Currently Listening To

Finally Got Around To Ordering

Currently Reading

Did He Think I'd Let It Go?

Typical Workplace Conversation

Ahhh, Man, Gets Me Every Time!

Currently Reading

Currently Viewing

Thick Brown Nasty Mucus And Snot

Rest In Peace Nanna

Currently Playing

Recently Viewed

Today's Shopping List; New Pants.

Currently Reading

Recently Viewed

Recently Read

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Is This Shit Still Going?

Recently Viewed

Dear London Underground Customer